Friday, December 21, 2007

I don't like Christmas, I love Christmas, I don't like Christmas, I love..

Warning - here comes a Christmas spoiler!

I can't be angry at my mother for not being my Korean mother!

This realization just came to me as lightening strike after once again having emotional outbursts and miscommunication with my mother - as often it turns especially intense around Christmas evening coming up with all it's 'traditions' of hurt feelings(more or less succesfully surpressed, words from a love gone sour, guilt and other emotional debris. Christmas has for as long as comes to my memory been like walking the thin ice, i.e. it looks beautiful from outside and intentions may be glorious, but after 1 or 2 hours in the same room, cracks in the ice appear and accusations begin and wronged emotions take the better of us.

One Christmas evening, when I was in my early 20'ties, I was thrown out of the house by my late father, because I spoke my free oppinion on employing young women and their rights to take leave of pregnancy before birth. My father founded an international business empire, which btw was inherited solely by their biological son, my 'brother'. I was told that if I couldn't "behave" (i.e. spoke against my father's statement) then I could leave..which I did.

Other beautiful memories include, one Christmas, again in my twenties, where I wanted to sing a few Christmas carols (I can't remember ever having sung together with my family) and my mother said, "Well, that didn't exactly sound nice!". I got hurt and wondered why a mother would say this and was reminded again how I have never felt 100 % acknowledged as a child, a young woman, nor as an adult..and probably shed a few tears to which my mother would respond, "You're always spoiling a nice evening".

I know that someone might think, it probably wasn't this bad..

But my point with sharing this is, that I have this childish anger pattern that only my family can ignite! where I start saying things that I'd never say in a calm state of mind, when I act out of pure anger - actually not related to what they might have said.

And I suddenly see that this anger may arise from a surpressed anger from when I was a little baby or little girl - I'm angry at them for not being my Korean family! (no matter the issue that started it off).

I've spent Christmas evening alone one time, been celebrating it in an ashram (nicest ever, singing Christmas carols from all over the world), been inviting friends home (one of the second nicest Christmas evenings ever).. but most evenings have been shared with my 'family' - and 1½ week ago, I was invited by my brother for Christmas evening with my mother.

And I said yes - And this year - maybe due to the many years of trying so hard to figure it all out - and realizing this funny bit of mind-stuff! - it turned out as one of the Christmas evenings, that I love. Seeing my aging mother joyful and my little nieces being so spunky and sweet (and spoiled), well, how couldn't I love it. Being reminded of my brother's struggle with a disease that is making it difficult for him to run, to play, to be a father to his children and a strong husband to his wife - compassion and best wishes for his life lit up in my heart.

And thought it may sound like a clichée, I am again reminded that it is compassion and love among people, that connect and create family ties.. as well as blood relations, I guess..


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