The seed that sprouted

2 months after I participated in the KBS broadcast "Person I'm missing", I've been informed that the DNA-test didn't match up. So, the man, who called in during the show was not 'my' father.

A disappointment; a relief - or ..?

During the seconds, of the show, when I was online via web-cam and sat here in Cph, listening to this surreal flow of information from this man, who'd called in and was 'spilling out' details about his lifestory all kinds of emotions fluttered through my body and mind..

In the days after, I kept making a mental 'play-back' of the few words of translation I'd been given during the show and metriciously searched his explanation for details to evaluate the chances of him being my father. He had called in he said, "because I looked like a woman he'd been dating while in the army, and she became pregnant. But when he finished duty and came back to the town to find her - she'd disappeared." Other info was given as well and it seemed likely that he could be my father.

Already in the days after I was careful not to put my hopes up, probably to protect myself from being disappointed, and perhaps, 'cause sth about the dates for when the child would have been born didn't quite match with my birth info..but I told myself, it may have been a mistake in the translation - 'cause during those days, I discovered that I really would like this man to be my father!
At the same time, I had all kinds of reflections towards this man, thoughts concerning my birth mother, e.g. why did she leave the city, perhaps there was a reason for this woman not to wish to meet again with my 'assumed' father and should I then meet him now? I arrested my thoughts from going too far - and still felt like my inner connection to Korea and to the people who got together and gave birth to me suddenly became more intense, because it had become personalized.

In the months after, I was waiting for the result of the DNA-test. If felt 'safe' to know that I wouldn't be thrown into meetings with someone without certainty that this was my father. Strange that 5 straws of hair can suddenly become that important.

Now,
I'm relieved that I got the result, even though it was 'negative'. I'd been running various possible scenarios in my mind of what it'd be like had it turned out that he was my father. Besides the happy reunion scenario, I had thoughts that e.g. included the possibility of him feeling sorrow or other emotions towards this woman who left him without a trace. And how could I ever live up to being 'the Korean daughter'..
Experience shows that with flexibility from both sides and a mutual wish to be reconnected, finding one's birth family can obviously be a happy event for everyone. I know many who have positive stories and keep contact with their Korean families.

Of course, I'm disappointed, that he wasn't my dad - or rather, that someone out there who's my birth dad didn't find me this time, 'cause this experience has made a seed sprout! A seed of wishing to meet the woman, whom I can call mother and the man whom I can call father, must have been nurtured inside me along the years - a wish more or less hidden to myself.

All in all, I'm relieved that I'm still 'safe' and not being pushed into rewriting my life story - I'm also vulnarable - I may be or may never be reconnected - but I'm an experience richer and this seed has sprouted and stirred something inside to surface..